Letters to Young Women
LETTER VI.
THE PRUDENT AND PROPER USE OF LANGUAGE.
Of all the griefs that harass the distressed,
Samuel Johnson.
Sure the most bitter is a scornful jest.
And lovelier things have mercy shown
Byron.
To every failing but their own,
And every woe a tear can claim
Except an erring sister’s shame,
I HAVE met with a good many young women, first and last, whose intellects were of that keen, quick, variety which delights in uttering sharp things — often very hard things. They do it, at first, playfully; they produce a laugh which flatters them; and they soon get to doing it wantonly. They acquire an appetite for praise, and they become willing to procure it at whatever expense to others. Genuine wit in a man is almost always genial; wit in a woman, however genial it may be at first, almost always gets into personalities, sooner or later, which makes it very dangerous and very hateful. Man is held in restraint, whatever his tendencies may be, by the consideration that, as a man, he will be held responsible for his words; women presume upon the fact that they are women, in taking license to say what they choose of each other, and of men in particular. There is not always — perhaps there is not generally — malice in these sharp and hard speeches, but they poison, nevertheless. They poison her who utters them, and they poison those who suffer from them. The utterer becomes the student, for a purpose, of the weak points of her friends, and they learn to hate her. I have known not a few women whose personal witticisms were enjoyed by the gossip-loving crowd around her, every man of whom would as soon think of marrying a tigress as the one he was flattering by the applause of his laugh.
Therefore I say that to be a witty woman is a very dangerous thing. To be a witty woman is to be the subject of very great temptations, for personality forms the very zest of gossip — an employment of which most women, I think, know something by experiment. Men are afraid of witty women, especially those who delight in making cutting speeches. They say, very rationally, that if a woman will secure praise at the expense of one friend, she will also at the expense of others, and that no one can be safe. There is nothing in my eyes more admirable in a woman than an honest wish to hear no one spoken against — than that consideration for the feelings of others which leads her to treat all faults with tenderness, and all weaknesses and natural unpleasant peculiarities with indulgence. One of the most attractive sights in the world, to any young man of common sensibility, is that of a young woman who not only will neither say nor hear ill of any one, but who takes special pains to notice those whom the crowd neglect. Such a woman is the admired of all whose admiration is worth securing. And now, young woman, if you are one of the sharp ones, and are tempted to say sharp things, remember that you are in very great danger of injuring yourself, not only in your own soul, but in the eyes of all those whom you imagine you are pleasing.
I think, as a general thing, that women are harder in their judgments of their own sex than men are of theirs, or even of them. This arises partly from jealousy — a wish to stand among the uppermost in the popular esteem. The praise of women, poured into the ears of other women, is not usually gratefully received. The disposition of women to judge harshly of each other is seen particularly in those instances in which a woman has taken a false step. Here the fact is patent; — a woman forgets, or forgives, much less promptly than a man. However deep the repentance, however decided the reformation, a woman never forgets that her sister has sinned, notwithstanding the fact that weakness and misfortuné and a hundred mitigating if not exculpating circumstances plead in her behalf. It is the same with less important lapses of behavior, in a corresponding degree. I do not know but this is one of the safe guards which God intended should be around a woman’s path, but it seems to me a very unwomanly and a very unchristian thing. It seems to me, too, to be a very unnatural thing. I judge that, much more than a man, a woman should be interested in securing justice for her own sex; and that if a sinning or a silly woman should find a charitable defender anywhere, it should be among those who, like her, are exposed to the temptations, and particularly to the uncharitable misconstructions, of a captious world.
What I would insist upon, is, that you not only do not wound the feelings of your own sex by sharp criticisms, but that you be heartily enlisted in maintaining their honor. Do not think that you do this while putting down this one and that, in order to make your own immaculateness the more conspicuous. Believe what is generally true, that those who sin are those who sin rather through weakness than vicious tendency; that villains who wear cravats and waistcoats — the very men whom you are by no means particular enough to exclude from your company — are those who most deserve your reproaches.
And now that I am upon this subject of talk, it will be well to say all I have to say upon it. It is a very common thing for young women to indulge in hyperbole. A pretty dress is very apt to be “perfectly splendid;” a disagreeable person is too often “perfectly hateful;” a party in which the company enjoyed themselves, somehow becomes transmuted into the “most delightful thing ever seen.” A young man of respectable parts and manly bearing is very often “such a magnificent fellow!” The adjective “perfect,” that stands so much alone as never to have the privilege of help from comparatives and superlatives, is sadly over-worked, in company with several others of the intense and extravagant order. The result is that, by the use of such language as this, your opinion soon becomes valueless.
A woman who deals only in superlatives demonstrates at once the fact that her judgment is subordinate to her feelings, and that her opinions are entirely unreliable. All language thus loses its power and significance. The same words are brought into use to describe a ribbon in a milliner’s window, as are employed in the endeavor to do justice to Thalberg’s execution of Beethoven’s most heavenly symphony. The use of hyperbole is so common among women that a woman’s criticism is generally without value. Let me insist upon this thing. Be more economical in the use of your mother tongue. Apply your terms of praise with precision; use epithets with some degree of judgment and fitness. Do not waste your best and highest words upon inferior objects, and find that when you have met with something which really is superlatively great and good, the terms by which you would distinguish it have all been thrown away upon inferior things — that you are bankrupt in expression. If a thing is simply good, say so; if pretty, say so; if very pretty, say so; if fine, say so; if very fine, say so; if grand, say so; if sublime, say so; if magnificent, say so; if splendid, say so. These words all have different meanings, and you may say them all of as many different objects, and not use the word “perfect” once. That is a very large word. You will probably be obliged to save it for application to the Deity, or to his works, or to that serene rest which remains for those who love him. Young women are very apt to imbibe another bad habit, namely, the use of slang. I was walking along the street the other day when I met an elegantly dressed lady and gentleman upon the sidewalk. My attention was the more attracted to them because they were evidently strangers, At any rate they impressed me as being very thoroughly refined and genteel people. As I came with in hearing of their voices — they were quietly chatting along the way — I heard these words from the woman’s lips: ” You may bet your life on that.” I was disgusted. I could almost have boxed her ears. I remember once being in the company of a belle — one who had had a winter’s reign in Washington. Some kind of game was in progress, when, in a moment of surprise, she exclaimed, “My Gracious!” Now you may regard this as a finical notion, but I tell you that woman fell as flatly in my esteem as if she had uttered an oath. A lady, fresh from Paris, once informed me that it would do the residents of a certain quiet village a great deal of good to be “stirred up with a long pole.” Let us see how you like this kind of talk.
If you wish to be an “A No. 1” woman, you have got to “toe the mark,” and be less “hifalutin.” “You may bet your head on that.” You may sing “slightually” “like a martingale,” you may “spin street yarn” at the rate of ten knots an hour, you may “talk like a book,” you may dance as if you were on “a regular break-down,” you may “turn up your nose at common folks,” and play the piano “mighty fine,” but ” I-tell-you,” you “can’t come to tea.” “You may be handsome, but you can’t come in.” You might just as well “cave in,” first as last, and “absquatulate,” for you can’t ” put it through,” “any way you can fix it.” If you imagine that you may “go it while you are young, for when you are old you can’t,” you won’t “come it,” “by a long chalk.” “Own up,” now, and “do the straight thing,” and I’ll “set you down” as “one of the women we read of.” If you can’t “come up to the scratch,” why I must “let you slide.” But if you have a “sneakin’ notion” for being a “regular brick,” there is no other way — “not as you knows on ” — “no sir-ree hoss?” If a young man should “kind o’ shine up to you,” and you should “cotton to him,” and he should hear you say “by the jumping Moses,” or “by the living jingo,” or “my goodness,” or “I vow,” or “go it, Betsey, I’ll hold your bonnet,” or “mind your eye,” or “hit ‘im agin,” or “take me away,” or “dry up, now,” or “draw your sled,” or “cut stick,” or “give him particular fits,” he would pretty certainly “evaporate.”
I would by no means insinuate that all young women use slang as coarse as this, but I acknowledge to have heard some of these phrases from friends whom I really esteem. Is not the use of these phrases, and of phrases like them whose number is legion, a very vulgar habit? It seems so to me, and I can hear them from the lips of no pretty woman except with pain, and a certain degree of diminution of my respect for her. The habit certainly detracts from womanly dignity. It can be dropped without the slightest danger of going into that extreme of precision in the use of language, which takes out all the life and freedom from social intercourse. Slang is bad enough in young men, and they indulge in far too much of it; but in a young woman, it is disgusting. It is not the outgrowth of fine natures; it is not accordant with refined taste. Any young woman who indulges in it does it at a very sad expense to her mind, and manners, and reputation. Therefore, beware of it; discard it; guard the door of your lips, and leave it to those coarse specimens of your sex of whose natures and habits of thought it is the natural and fitting expression.
One more bad habit of your tongues, and I conclude. It is very common for young women to imagine that all tradesmen have a desire to cheat them. They will talk to the provision dealers and peddlers who call at their doors, and to tradesmen in their shops, with a harshness that would not be forgiven in a man. Men become hardened to this kind of thing, and expect it; and very naturally choose those who suspect them, and accuse them of cheating — who chaffer, and cheapen, and find fault — for the victims of their sharpest operations. A young woman who treats every man with whom she trades as a gentleman, giving him her confidence, and throwing herself upon his honor and generosity, will stand the best possible chance to be fairly dealt by. I except Jews with China ware, and men of Celtic origin with short pipes in their mouths. It is always safe to close a bargain with such persons before entering into any operations; but even this may be done without loss of self-respect. If you see that a man designs to cheat you, it is not lady-like to put yourself upon a footing with him, and undertake to extort a bargain from him. Dismiss him without a word. You cannot afford to waste any breath or self-respect upon him.
Because a man has a thing to sell — because he stands behind a counter, or drives a cart, he is not, necessarily no gentleman. As a general thing, those men deserve just as considerate politeness at your hands as if they were in your parlor. You have no right to banter them. You have no right to suspect them — to say harsh things to them — to depreciate their wares, and to place them practically in the position of sharpers and knaves. It is not lady-like for you to put their politeness to the test. They will not insult you, and in that very fact vindicate their claim to your good opinion and polite treatment. You may get the credit with them of being sharp, hard customers, but they will dislike you, and if they speak of you, will not say anything to flatter you.