Exit Interview
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Two men take seats in a closed office.
FALLON
I want you to understand, exit interviews are merely formalities. They are designed to help us improve engagement.
HOLLAWAY
Sure.
FALLON
What was your first clue that you are literally in Hell?
HOLLAWAY
Well, there is a bell on the wall in the lobby, and the sign over it reads, “This is Hell.”
FALLON
You could have rung that bell at any time, you know.
HOLLAWAY
Yeah, I know that now, but at the time, I thought someone had put it up as a joke.
FALLON
I did. Get it? Next question: How would you rate the professionalism of the staff?
HOLLAWAY
I’ve been meaning to mention that. They told me that I would end up in Hell if I didn’t go to church, but that was sorduv a lie, because I’m already in Hell. I’m not sure that’s fair.
FALLON
(reaches for red button on desk)
I don’t think you got the Hell ‘concept.’
HOLLAWAY
No, no! Just kidding! One thing you have plenty of time to work on in Hell is your sense of irony.
FALLON
Hm. Let’s go on. How would you rate the friendliness of the staff?
HOLLAWAY
Father Shanley was very friendly; that’s probably already in my psychiatric dossier.
FALLON
What did you think about billionaires telling you that national health care was too expensive?
(a beat)
Mr. Holloway?
HOLLOWAY
Yeah, I got it that poorer countries have it, so it’s possible. I knew that.
FALLON
What did you think about apartment rent being based on your income, and not the apartment?
HOLLOWAY
That was a nice touch.
FALLON
And what did you think of the last two wars?
HOLLOWAY
No cool movies came out of them, so I didn’t really see the point.
FALLON
I mean, can you state the reasons they were started?
HOLLOWAY
Sure.
FALLON
Go ahead.
HOLLOWAY
Terrorism.
FALLON
Did you know that more Americans are killed each year by toddlers than by terrorists? Where’s the war against toddlers?
HOLLOWAY
Well, you can’t go around blowing up toddlers.
FALLON
(writing)
Ah-ha...
HOLLOWAY
Unless they live in a different country!
FALLON
Good! There’s just one last thing.
HOLLAWAY
Yeah?
FALLON
This is not really an exit interview.
HOLLAWAY
Ah... because you’re not letting me out, or because this is not really Hell?
FALLON
This is my favorite part of the job! The look on your face!
HOLLAWAY
This is a joke, right?
FALLON
Yes!
FADE TO BLACK
HOLLAWAY
Which part?
FALLON
(laughter)