Mode Switching

I want to record my latest experience before I forget it, and I do seem to be in the process of forgetting.

I awoke this morning and lingered in bed thinking about the things I must do today, and I began to experience the concomitant anxiety. Suddenly, I found myself hovering around some vague pleasant memory and experiencing a serotonin flood: my body felt full and warm and slightly grooving. I tried to arrive at a more specific memory, but each guess eroded the serotonin high until it was simply gone.

A few days ago, I was washing dishes in the kitchen in waking life and something similar happened. In this case, I had accidentally gotten into my camper groove. As I scrambled to retain it and extend it, I lost it.

It is seemingly not possible to remember, as in procedural steps, how to do this. I notice, for example, that archers who do trick shots, like hitting falling water droplets, never use Olympic sights, or any sights at all. They shoot intuitively.

Somehow, none of my talking and thinking about this topic helps me with this topic. All I can seemingly do is remind myself that the topic exists and is worthy of investment. And then invest.

I have in the past weeks and months been practising in waking life switching from anxiety-provoking thoughts to more neutral thoughts. In particular, I have been watching loads of videos about quantum mechanics and then ruminating about various situations. At first, it was rough going: I would indulge in the anxiety far too long before remembering to switch off. Even after switching off, I had trouble staying switched off due to a perverse attraction to the anxiety. I have gotten better with practise, but I cannot say that the results are life-changing. It seems too little, too late, but better than nothing.

Today, however, I could imagine a leap.

When one is learning a foreign language, there are months and weeks of awkward struggle and frustration. Then one day comes a conversation that does not require administration. One simply says what is thought. The odd thing is that change is frustratingly gradual for a long time, and then comes a single day that signals a boundary crossing. I think something similar must be at play with the administration of thought itself.

There is nothing to understand. One must experience. It takes weeks and months of practice. Once you experience a shift in awareness, all is justified and seems even unavoidable. But once again outside that awareness, it seems of questionable purpose and value.

I tend to erase and forget whatever is not relevant to my current mode of awareness. That is natural — and likely even necessary, in order to achieve a coherent mode of awareness. But it is also a local minimum.

It is only by writing, and re-reading what I have written, that I have convinced myself to take the enterprise seriously. When you think about it, there is no more serious and worthy undertaking. If the goal of life is to be happy, then this is the obvious direct path. Why work with the intermediaries of wealth and social status (which are to some good extent outside one’s control) and not work with what is uniquely within one’s control? For a European with easy access to the necessities of life, this is a no-brainer.

I know that there is a tendency to think that this is delusional happiness — an assertion which is not to be denied — but how is material gain any less delusional? It has only the advantage of constant promotion by a capitalist civilisation.